Sunday, August 22, 2010

He's always lurking


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Chick's name? Doesn't matter. Event? Who knows. Everywhere Mini-Me goes his pimp hand must always stay strong.


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What a perv.....


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This is real, and she may be Steve Urkel's mother as well.


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Today's closed captioning botch job that is actually somewhat relevant....and my new favorite word.


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Beiber fever has now taken over one of my favorite websites. Maybe I'll start growing my hair in, I don't know, I don't have that kind of patience or awesomeness. Hopefully a Vanilla Ice-style fall from grace is near. {This vid is for OtisDey, who loves him some JB.}


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Just another example of people going about their lives all wrong.


Sunday, August 8, 2010

Action packed!

You know when I update this thing two days in a row there's something special in the air. I don't know what it is though....The fact that I have five days of vacation this week? Maybe I'm looking forward to my son stuffing birthday cake in his face for the first time when he turns 1 this week? Maybe because a hangover isn't making me regret drinking that extra Red Stripe last night? I just don't know....but I like it.

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- This decent looking lady was on a show on NBC that was pretty damn popular. I believe her name is Jennifer. Seinfeld was also on NBC, but I'm not putting a picture of George Costanza on here.


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- I loved watching Jimmy Fallon on SNL because he could never hold a straight face when doing skits. He was always bustin' at something. I'd imagine most of us wouldn't be able to keep it together either. Here is some good stuff that he and Will Farrell did when reunited on Jimmy's show last week.


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- Rookie Tim Tebow gets the "Gargamel" treatment from his Denver Broncos teammates at training camp. (Papa Smurf is reportedly beside himself.)


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- Here are some of the world's worst hoarders. 
Owning 153 cats = a potential dilemma.


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- When Kenny Powers gets endorsed by K-Swiss, you know big things are gonna go down. (language)


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-  The beat just pops! Auto-Tune the News has their own YouTube channel. So hide your kids, hide your wife, and go check it out.....Here's the latest:

Saturday, August 7, 2010

You tell me.....


Shark week has officially gone to the dogs.
(thanks to OtisDey)

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The most wonderful time of the year

Hi. How is everyone? Good. Can you tell me where summer went?

NFL training camps are officially underway and the season begins in roughly six weeks. It's time to readjust your priorities.....
 

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Don't be pissed now when she asked you months ago what kind of cake you wanted and you plainly answered, "edible."

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Life size Mousetrap. Now that's hip! 
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This is probably the closest thing to a bad acid trip I'll experience. Whoever came up with this idea should have read the song title and just moved on. 

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Most of us knew that


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 Now that we have clarified that issue, let's move on.....

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"It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."

EMBED-Frisbee Golf Nut Shot - Watch more free videos


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Maybe happiness really is a warm gun?

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Fighter Jet pilot ejects seconds before crashing. You can see him land with his parachute a few hundred feet away from the blaze. Wow.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Hip hop ain't dead fool


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 In fact, it just got a breath of fresh air thanks to a Liza Minnelli look a-like and a sure fire chart topper, 'Dad Life'.....


With an 11.5 month old and another due at the end of December, you can go ahead and lump me into this category. Except for the whole socks with sandals thing. This daddy don't roll like that.

I have no idea what the hell this is, but it looks like it came right out of some Spinal Tap porno rendition. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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R.I.P.
"Farewell Mr. Potato Head!!  Although you were only in our house from Christmas to February, you will be missed, but rest assured, the smell of burnt plastic shall linger forever.  My two year old threw him into the gas fireplace.  He started to melt, rolled out of the fireplace onto the carpet nearly burning the entire house down." From: shitmykidsruined

- YR

Monday, July 12, 2010

Lightly salted

Those were the bag of Fritos I had today for lunch. Lightly salted. I'm all about cutting down some of the sodium in my diet, until I actually have to eat something with little or no salt in it. Actually, this might be the first time I've ever tried it. I now know why salt is used in food. I believe it's called flavor. As in, food without salt in it or draped over it, has none. Say it with me now, flaaaaayyyyyvvvvvoooorrrr........(the alternate spelling adds character). So, that's what I gathered after crunching on those little strips of yellow cardboard. 


I've gathered up some random bangin' links for ya on this fine Monday. Instead of embedding videos and posting pictures directly to the site, you'll just have to read through my snarky, sarcastic, and sometimes (ok, all the time) just plain boring sentences with the links attached. Per the usual. Sorry.
(Tip: if you right click the link and select "Open in a New Tab" the link will open without taking you away from your 'Yeah Really' fix. Who has time for the "BACK" button anyway?)

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- The 'Barefoot Bandit' has been caught in the Bahamas. The Bahamas has to be the worst place in the world to be told that you are under arrest.

- This new book can supposedly sharpen your BS detector.

- To the local flea markets: I'm sorry, but I'm now buying all of my t-shirts from here.

- ....and to all the Target stores: I'm sorry, but I'm now buying all my kid's clothes from here.

- Thank god nobody submitted a picture of my deck to this compilation.

- I have to admit, when I went off to camp for one week as a kid I got home sick. I wanted to call home so bad and they finally let me after much reluctance on their part. It was like having that one 5-minute phone call from jail with the prison guard looking at you pointing to his watch. Of course, that was after I had to get a signed affidavit from a fucking state official allowing it. Pricks. But I swear to you, this letter was not from me.

- The Food Network is a staple in my house. Wifey loves it. I can tolerate it. Not everyone on their looks like Paula Deen though. Here are some that don't.

- Now, if you submitted a picture of my dog to this compilation then it would be justifiable. He acts like there is fire coming out of that damn hose.

- I wonder if some prostitutes save up their "earnings" for future dental work. In this economy, bad teeth could be a real deal breaker.

- I got nothing for this.....

- 'American Association For Nude Recreation'. Yep, it exists and they are in the business of setting records.

- Here are you PICS OF THE DAY.

- Have fun with all of that, Sheila!

- Today's, yes-they-haven't-been-relevant-since-the-mid-90's-but-they-still-have-to-pay-the-bills JAM.

Good day.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

It's not bleeding, you're fine.


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 The most talented actress that ever lived is sentenced to 90 days in jail. No word yet on phone privileges.

If her last meal of freedom for a while comes from the Golden Arches, is it considered a conjugal visit?

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 Anyway, here's some shit that hopefully takes you away from actually having any productivity today. Or at least forty-five seconds of it.....

This video was shot in the 80's, but his chops are from the future.

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GO ORANJE!!!

I don't know about teeth flyin', but it looked like it sucked either way. Sometimes you have to get your head kicked in to advance to the Finals.
(Bobbi Eden's followers just reached infinity....)

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Need roadside assistance my love?

Here are 10 pictures of Mick Jagger watching the World Cup. I'd say he's more beast than burden.

Today's, at-this-point-there-is-nothing-Hotter-Than-July-but-Stevie-lays-it-down-anyway JAM. Here is Cash In Your Face. (No relation to Makin' it Rain by Pac-Man Jones.)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Boom goes the dynamite


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 Happy 4th kids...Try to avoid the emergency room.


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- 3ft. long metal tube + igniting mortars + not hauling ass to get out of the way = arm blowing off.

- Kate Gosselin thinks jogging will help get rid of her botox-botched Jack Nicholson joker face. Just plain scary.

- The "Shitty iPad DJ releases first music video". She claims to be the first ever iPad DJ, but it seems she is just a marketing bitch for Steve Jobs and Apple. I'm sorry but she's just a self-glorified mess.

- Tiger's kids are not allowed to have a meet-n-greet with his side bags of whoredom.

- Here is the iPad being used in cooperation with actual artistic ability.

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  Well it is summer break so you have to keep them occupied somehow, right?

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Introducing, The Pizza Cone. I can actually hear my arteries clogging. Schwing!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

"It'll only take a minute" - JSP

Those are the infamous words of my father who thinks any project or job we do can start in the morning and be completed in time for lunch. Doesn't matter what it is. It will always "only take a minute". The man is a walking optimist in every sense. Happy Father's Day, Dad! 

Here I am as a young buck standing up in the front seat eating a bag of M&M's while pops is driving and wearing some killer Ray-Bans. Now that's how ya party.

3 keys to being a great Father:
   -Let your kid eat chocolate whenever the hell he wants it.
   -Teach him that seat belts are just an invention by the government to hold you back in life.
   -Whenever you get in trouble by your mother always give the puppy dog face and remember to look confused.

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More Father's Day goodness.....

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I don't know how she could have sat still long enough to type this.

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A new study shows that cupcake feeding protects your baby from gastrointestinal trouble, respiratory problems, and ear infections.

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The best use of a violin currently known -

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62 days and counting.....

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This is why I was a Batman kid.

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Sweetness.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sorry kids, park closed!

The blog took a temporary hiatus due to the fact that I was on a temporary hiatus from the paycheck palace that I like to call "vacation." Here are highlights of said vacation:

-worked on the deck
-cut the grass
-got to sleep in until 8:30am on most days
-drank more coffee than I would even if I had to come to the paycheck palace
-more deck work (...this time in the rain while at times climbing a large metal ladder)
-celebrated my 3-year wedding anniversary (...three years doesn't require a major diamond purchase right?)
-my son turned 10 months old and went to his first semi-professional baseball game
-finished the flooring to the deck then got inebriated on it while admiring until 2am. (...it's been awhile, but passing out on the couch with clothes on has never felt better)
-cut the grass
-gave myself a haircut
-worked on the deck (...one of these days I'll stop talking about it but not until it's featured in some kind of magazine)

It actually couldn't have been better and it didn't "fly by" like everyone in the world would say about their vacations. We got to see some friends from college and got to hang out with family quite a bit. More importantly, me and the boy had some awesome quality time. He cracks my shit up every single day and he doesn't even know it. Love that little guy.

Since I watched zero television or got on the dubya dubya dots for the most part, I really don't have any idea what's going on in the world as of late. Which is sort of refreshing. I do know that there is still an oil spill in the Gulf. Thanks BP....maybe Salma Hayek can help plug the hole?

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"Ahhh shit! Don't tell me that's fucking oil!"

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Stay classy Steeler fans.....

Supposedly the Street Fighter II arcade game "Guile's Theme" can go with just about anything. And I agree. Especially when finding out you are NOT THE FATHER!

Sorry, OJ Simpson and Jon Gosselin nabbed the first two spots.

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Today's, my-quality-of-life-just-rose-30%-by-witnessing-this-incredible-musicianship-JAM

The wife recorded this show for me the other day, Jeff Beck Live at Ronnie Scott's in London. She said she wanted me to check out this bass player chick who is like 24 years old and "badass". She also informed me that it has been on our DVR for some time and was going be erased very soon if I didn't watch it. I had no idea! I'm too busy climbing a metal ladder in the rain! To her credit, she was correct on her assessment of the bass player. Jeff Beck is a guitar maniac/legend, and one of my favorite drummers, Vinnie Colaiuta, is probably Jesus' father.

I finally sat down to watch it. Here's a little ditty called Blast From the East. You're welcome.

Monday, May 31, 2010

The other "football"

There are two major sports that I don't and have never followed: Soccer and Hockey. In my house as a kid it was all about the NFL and MLB. More so, the NFL. Maybe it was because we actually had local professional teams of those sports to root for and I as fan felt that connection? Yes, yes I believe so. This was etched into my brain ever since I was able to comprehend that David Klingler was the worst quarterback I've ever seen. Actually, even earlier than that; Super Bowl XXIII was especially brutal to watch at the end. That hurt. It hurt real bad.

I guess in retrospect maybe I should have started following a different sport. Or at least a different team. Sheesh.

Anyhow, I know one hardcore NHL fan and he is from Connecticut. Thus, reaffirming my belief that all hockey fans are from Jersey or the UConn (that's my very creative original name for that state). And I only know two hardcore FIFA fans. One of them is a guitarist I play with who is from Honduras. Thus, reaffirming my belief that all Hondurans are genetically predisposed to like/love/play soccer. Uncle Taco is one of the coolest dudes out there by the way.

So, with the World Cup approaching which starts June 11th in South Africa, I've decided to see what all the fuss is about and maybe, ya know, watch a game or two. Plus, their fans seem to clean up really well.

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WORLD CUP LINK MADNESS:

- We have to start somewhere right? Here's the Official Website of the FIFA World Cup.

- Actually, maybe we should have just started here.

- Well, this is a no-brainer. I mean c'mon, it only happens every four years. You're telling me you didn't sit back and pound beers and eat chili-cheese dip in preparation for the Lysacek v. Plushenko showdown during the Winter Olympics? No?

- These 2010 World Cup odds came out in December '09. I didn't find a better list and have no idea if they have been updated since Santa came. So there you go. 

- Advertising for the 2010 World Cup.

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I LEARN ABOUT THINGS FROM YOUTUBE: 

I learned how to headbutt my opponent.

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I learned that Erin Andrews isn't the only one who gets harassed.

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I learned that goalies get owned on a regular basis.

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I learned that this kid should probably have used a smaller, less inflatable ball.

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And I learned that this guy should pay more attention when eating ice cream.

We'll end with this...Play ball!


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I think "sweltering" is the appropiate term

It's hot as balls outside. Cool down with the latest bangin' bits. (Did I just write that garbage?)

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Payback's a bitch...As illustrated by a bull horn upinya.

- Here are 8 health foods that are actually bad for your health.


- Teacher of the Year? I especially like the use of SpongeBob party hats for making the cone shape of the hoods.

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Breaking a car window has never looked easier.

- I love it when we make predictions 10 million years in advance.

- Whatever happened to "shoot to kill"?

Bacon dropped into my Miller High Life is kinda like a lime dropped into my Dos Equis or Corona; but with fat.

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- Behind the numbers for last week's Pac-Man on Google.

- This story reminds me of the pure angst and frustration that Newman must have felt being a postal worker in NYC. Oh do tell........

Summertime Travels: "You OK back there, honey? Oh, it's a little stuffy?

Today's, when-two-excellent-singers-from-different-bands-share-the-same-stage-then-due-an-epic-song-together-I-get-"excited" JAM.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Bangin' into syndication



The Big Bang Theory has become one of my favorite shows, and is a rightful owner of a spot on my DVR series record list. Deservedly so, the chemistry of the cast and the great writing makes this show stand out among the other drab sitcoms. (I still don't know how in the hell Charlie Sheen can pocket $2 million per episode for the very suck-ass Two and a Half Men).

I know I'm a few days late with this news but Big Bang just won big time in the world of syndication with TBS paying over $1.5M for the rights and Fox also ponying up another $500K. The deal is said to be a record breaking haul.

TBS looks to be the go to cable network for hit shows that reach syndication. Shows such as The Office, Family Guy, Seinfeld, and Everybody Loves Raymond all have deals with the network. Now with Conan O'Brien bringing his late night talk show to the 11pm lineup in November, TBS will be clogging up more of my DVR space.

It also doesn't hurt to have the terrific Kaley Cuoco gracing us with her presence.

Even though Sheldon gets most of the character accolades, Wolowitz is the true game changer.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Three gifts that keep on giving



I don't see patrons like this at the Hofbrauhaus I go to. 

- I don't pay for apps, you can usually download very good ones for free. I stumbled upon this one this morning. (And no, I didn't download it. I have some couth.)

- Beetlejuice was on TV the other day, so I did want anyone else would do, dropped everything and sat my ass on the couch to watch it. I forgot how skinny Alec Baldwin was in that flick. Here's 10 of the best SNL skits that feature said skinny bastard.

When I cut the ribbon that signifies the grand opening of our new deck, hopefully this guy will be setting up his sound system in the corner....I will find him, and I will hire him.

- The Preakness was yesterday but I didn't watch and I don't know who won. But I do know that people get all kinds of drunk in the infield at these horse races. So that led me to believe that there would be pictures on the internet of these people getting all kinds of drunk. And I was correct.....

- I'm a Gene Simmons fan for the most part, and he might be telling the truth regarding these allegations. But in my opinion, no matter what kind of "suit of armor" he's wearing, Gene will find a way to grind on any woman.

Quack, quack.

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Not having an inner monologue is something I also suffer from.

- RHCP will record a new album but without John Frusciante, which bothers me. But since Rick Rubin is still producing their albums I'll hold judgement for now.

- Finally, something my 9-month old can saddle up and ride instead of the family dog.

- Today's, John-Frusciante-pisses-me-off-because-he-can't-stay-needle-clean-and-continue-to-play-guitar-for-one-of-the-best-bands-the-last-20-years- JAM

A little encouragement for you aspiring students out there.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Here's to conception

My mom will tell me to quit drinking Red Bull because it's "not good for you." Then turn around and cook me a pound of bacon. She's the best. Happy Mom's Day, mom!

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Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's out there. You deserve it.....

- Hot Sauce Planet is a new website I have added to the link roll. The creator of the site has visited this blog at least once. To get your link added that's all you really have to do. I don't ask for much. Be sure to check it out!



- More sexual pressure for Men? Guys, if you don't starting pleasing your women more, expect to get stabbed.

- Local TV has always had horrible commercials. Here's 8 of the worst.

- A Mother's Day JAM.

If Men wrote Mothers' Day cards. More over here.

What exercise balls were really intended for.

Sofia Vergara is a mommy. She's also stars in one of the best new comedy shows on television, Modern Family. Watch the show.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Cinco De Drunko

Cinco De Mayo is not Mexico's Independence Day. It's actually commemorates the Mexican army's unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862.

Well isn't that special? Either way, people get highly intoxicated on beer or liquor (Tequila anyone?) and shit themselves stupid from hot sauce. And no, I couldn't be more stereotypical. To me, it comes down to Jose Cuervo and some Dave's Insanity Sauce.

Shots of Jose Cuervo screwed me in college and caused me (yes, he had that type of power over me) to also add Crown Royal shots to the mix. Then bash some cake I found in a friend's fridge like I hadn't eaten in five days. Then be helped to my dorm room by my future wife and a friend. Thanks, Dean. Then wake up the next morning wondering why my back was hurting like a bitch, only to be told that I fell on a parking stump in the parking lot. I was mostly drunk the whole next day.......I said goodbye to Jose after that night forever.

Tonight I will just cut my grass and day dream about those fond memories. Then have a beer. 

So enjoy some hot sauce and tequila. No not Tila Tequila; her disgusting-ness factor has been off the charts for a while now.

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This overly dressed lady looks like she is showing you how to go about partying on Cinco De Mayo. I don't know honestly, I posted this without turning on the speakers.

Big Johnson shirts were huge in the 90's. But still relevant for this post.

You might not think so, but it's a serious problem to have.

Hot Sauce of the Day:

I don't believe these guys are doing this to celebrate that battle in 1862, but it does involve some Taco Bell hot sauce. Which is just as potent as Ass Blaster.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Doctor says I need a backiotomy

The concrete work for the new deck is complete. One 13hr day....48, 80lb. bags used....Thank goodness that shit is done! Absolutely imperative to get that part completed before the rain came. Now, we're moving on to setting the posts and well on our way to drinking cold frothy beverages upon it. Stay tuned.

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"I don't want to be hostile and I don't want to be dismal, but I don't want to rot in an apathetic existence."  
(Tool, Intolerance)

- Michael Scott could be clocking out for the last time?

- My dog tries to hump both females and males. That doesn't mean I'm going to go out and buy him a Perez Hilton bejeweled collar. Ignorance at it's finest.

- Seeing Phish Live in 3D while trippin' acid is always a hell of a lot better than seeing Phish Live in 2D while trippin' shrooms. Just sayin'.

- I've come to the conclusion that bad hair + too much leather + token family members with no skills = more awesome television.

- Today's, my-yard-was-already-a mud-pit-but-now-we've-added-some-runover-concrete-for-character JAM.

One again another Hollywood starlet gets dumped. We've got serious 'tofo' problems as a society when Halle Berry can't keep a man. My buddy, the north star, is getting highly aggravated.

The renaming of Soy Milk is complete. Thanks to all for sending in your requests, but the winner comes from the Fox 5 news team. (Drum roll please........)

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Postage WIN.

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Did you know there is a Cadbury Icecream Land theme park? So there's one "holy shit!" response right there. And for your second "holy shit!" response, there's this:

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So you call yourself a big game hunter? Well, maybe you do.....Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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Quan Cosby knocking somebody's head off to help make way for Jordan Shipley. I wish Chad would do this more often.